Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
