we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
