I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
