Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I have aggressive nipples.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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