so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
