You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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