i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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