My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
