Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
