I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
