how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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