What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
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So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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