Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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