You just made me feel so damn special
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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