it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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