Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
