So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
