i already hear my dad disowning me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
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I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
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I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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