Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
