I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
