bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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