He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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