She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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