how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
