you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
