just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
