i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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