I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
