I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
