i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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