i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
