I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
