The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she was so not down for the gang bang
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
