at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
