ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
