I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
