I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
