All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
