I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
