I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
