it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I deserve this hangover.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
