I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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