I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
