roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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