Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
