they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
