i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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