I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
