Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
