It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
