I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
