my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
