It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
