He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house