Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Houston, we have a blender
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
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For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
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At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something