guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
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I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
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There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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