Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
