hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
